Off the Grid: Not Necessarily HR – Inflammatory NFL Team Names

  • by

Well even the President of the United States had to weigh in on the sensitivities of some people to the Washington Redskins name. In a twist of irony, it became a common joke last week that they should in fact change their name and remove the “Washington” part to prevent further embarrassment. While I am usually the paragon of political correctness, sometimes I just wish that people would lighten up a bit. After all, that’s not the only team name that is offensive to someone. Of a total of 32 professional football teams, exactly 0% of them are totally non-offensive. Anyway, isn’t half of the team effort supposed to be an offense? Look at these travesties of morality and sensitivities:

  • Baltimore Ravens – Scary Hitchcock blackbird images “… run home children! Your playground at school is not safe.” Parents, aren’t you offended by this?
  • Cincinnati Bengals – Carnivores! Offensive to vegetarians.
  • Cleveland Browns – Just Nasty! Are opponents supposed to be afraid of the stains on their uniforms?
  • Pittsburgh Steelers – Illegal! Not to mention that it is misspelled… offensive to grammarians. Don’t call them the Thieves either.
  • Houston Texans – Oooh how original! What state are you from again? Rename it just because it is offensive to people with half a brain and an ounce of creativity.
  • Indianapolis Colts – Offensive to the gun control crowd! Probably better than the Glocks or the Uzis, but still offensive.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars – Pretentious! Offensive to other auto makers that can build cars that are engineered not to leak oil.
  • Tennessee Titans – Offensive to women because of the feeble reference to female breasts. How about just calling them the Hooters… no, that’s offensive to environmentalists.
  • Buffalo Bills – A money reference? How much more expensive is it going to get to go to a damn football game? Don’t remind me!
  • Miami Dolphins – May be offensive to tuna fishermen that get blamed for stupid aquatic mammals that think that they are a fish and are too stupid to stay out of nets.
  • New England Patriots – Offensive to our British allies. Yes we kicked their butts in the Revolutionary War, but that was over 200 years ago. Get over yourselves.
  • NY Jets – Is this a football team or a Jacuzzi? This is offensive to people who can only afford to take showers.
  • Denver Broncos – Offensive to chronic cough sufferers who cannot get any more over-prescribed antibiotics from their doctors.
  • Kansas City Chiefs – I see what you did there. The arrowhead isn’t supposed to be a tipoff that it is really about Native Americans. Offensive! Change it! And not to Braves!
  • Oakland Raiders – The connotation of plundering is offensive, not to mention illegal except with regard to the spoils of war. Anti-war pacifists will also object.   
  • San Diego Chargers – May be offensive to opponents of capital punishment by electrocution. Those lightning bolts don’t fool anyone. And don’t change it to Gas Chambers or Firing Squads either.
  • Chicago Bears – Probably offensive to Wall Street Bulls and highly pessimistic about the stock market and the economy.
  • Detroit Lions – Offensive to your players. The male lion is known for copulating twenty to forty times a day for several days, often forgoing eating, and then killing the cubs when they are born.
  • Green Bay Packers – Offensive to road warriors who travel all the time. Can’t we enjoy a football game on the weekend without being reminded to pack for next week?
  • Minnesota Vikings – Offensive to Swedish immigrants by using the Norwegian reference. I don’t care what Garrison Keillor says… Lutherans are Lutherans.
  • Atlanta Falcons – Offensive to Northerners. Logo is a veiled reference to the Phoenix rising from ashes, a.k.a. “The South Will Rise Again.”
  • Carolina Panthers – Offensive to white people.
  • New Orleans Saints – Offensive to non-Christians
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Offensive to law abiding citizens. Piracy is illegal and this flaunts illegal behavior.
  • Dallas Cowboys – Offensive to PETA and others who are animal rights activists. And be careful about using rodeo clowns too… that would be racist.
  • NY Giants – Offensive to parents wanting to protect children from scary bedtime stories. No, never mind… the Giants aren’t that scary this year. But dammit they don’t play in NY! At least change that part of the name.
  • Philadelphia Eagles – May be offensive to dog lovers… don’t get me started. 
  • Arizona Cardinals – Offensive to non-Catholics.
  • San Francisco 49ers – Offensive to Millennials and Boomers. What does age have to do with football? You wouldn’t call them the Kids or the Geezers.
  • Seattle Seahawks – Offensive to ornithologists. There is no such bird as a “Seahawk” and the term is usually referring to the Osprey, Pandion haliaetus, or “sea hawk” (two words). 
  • St. Louis Rams – Offensive to private citizens fearful of Big Brother beating down their door after a call was overheard by the NSA complaining about the government.

So are you still reading this? Get a life! Go read a book… or watch a football game.

Image credit: lightvision / 123RF Stock Photo