What Do You Do?

The following humor is attributed to Kurt Vonnegut:

• To be is to do – Socrates
• To do is to be – Sartre
• Do Be Do Be Do – Sinatra

Having heard it in multiple contexts over the years, I tried to find the origin of the phrase, “I am a human being, not a human doing.” It appears to be another of those catchy quotations everyone has heard, but it seems to have been originated by that famous philosopher Anonymous. I found several places where Anonymous had been plagiarized without attribution in books, blogs, speeches and sermons. I even found many instances where the doing and being were reversed as if these were some kind of absolute concepts that needed to be switched around in a Vonnegutesque but not humorous manner. I have seen examples in which Hamlet has been paraphrased out of context, “To do or not to do; that is the question.” I am not sure from my research which came first, the do or the be, but I do know that the most common social greeting heard is “What do you do?” For some reason, opening with an occupation breaks the ice and puts people on a common ground for casual conversation. Listening to the answers to that question says a lot about the psychological make-up of the person describing their doings. What do we reveal about ourselves with our answers?

• Focus is understood to be about your job. The most common and knee jerk reaction is to blurt out a generic job title and talk about your work and where you go to do it. This may or may not open up a dialog, but it can be very revealing if suddenly the floodgates are opened and it is all about you. There is an unwritten 20-second rule for such a monologue. Here’s a clue: Exceeding the time limit shows that you are being very self centered and the other person is probably no longer listening anyway. Entertaining yourself by your exploits is not impressive to others.
• Shift focus according to environment. Purely social occasions are rarely a place for lengthy discussions about work problems, but this does not mean that it is not an opportunity to network and learn about common interests and feelings. On the other hand, a business meeting or work related conference may be more appropriate to discuss occupation, but a huge opportunity is missed if there is no attempt to delve into the other person’s being as well as their doing.
• Keep focus simple and on other people. The Dale Carnegie principle of talking in terms of the other person’s interests helps to win respect by not appearing totally egotistical. Breaking ground with sincere interest in other people results in a mutual understanding of the true character of a person and not their guarded work façade. When work related issues need to be aired, the groundwork of understanding has already been laid. Don’t be surprised when professional relationships become lasting friendships.
• Hide any scripted focus. If there is a hidden agenda, keep it hidden. If you are looking for sales leads or a new job, that opportunity will evolve naturally without opening the conversation with personal neediness. Most people will be charitable and do anything they can to help if there is a foundation of trust and confidence established first. It is also important to give as much as you expect to receive in a relationship. One sided relationships are by definition unbalanced and will fade.

An interesting lesson to be seen is in extending the rules for casual conversation into more formal work related discussions. What do you say when they already know what you do? Follow the same bullet points to see how this extends into everyday life: Talking about yourself and how important you are in your job is detrimental to getting a message through the static. Losing the concept of having a right time and right place for a conversation can kill a meeting or private counseling session. A sincere interest in the conversations, trials and tribulations of other people opens the doors to mutual understanding… especially if you work in HR. A hidden agenda may be necessary but they are usually hidden for a reason other than personal political gain.

Maybe the bottom line is to just be nice. If you don’t want to be defined by your doings, don’t evaluate others because of theirs.

 
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