People watching is like bird watching and can prove to be a contagious sport. My wife and I often take walks through Tarrywile Park in Danbury, a 722 acre municipal park that is absolutely a treasure trove of birds. She is an avid bird watcher and I have learned so much from her… after convincing my always complaining knees that this is a healthy activity for them. I have an app on my phone that can help me to identify a bird by its song, its feathers, or its habits, but mostly I am just guessing. She’s the one with the passion. I wonder what it would be like to develop an app to identify people types by their appearance or actions. I am an avid people watcher, so maybe I could help in making this a sport. Hmmm.
In no particular order:
- The Zombie – Habitat: Just about everywhere there are busy people. They usually show up staggering in slow motion with expressionless faces. Even though a good bit of their time is spent motionless, they do tend to gravitate toward walls and especially chairs along the wall. Their song is similar to an Eeyoreish “Oh bother†or a shorter four letter epithet.
- The Annoying Extravert – Habitat: Crowded areas populated by other species. They are always in a rush and may brush against other people in their hurry to get nothing particular done in record time. They will rarely perch for longer than a moment and they are then off on a caffeine induced frenzy to continue their quest to annoy other people. Their song varies but is always loud.
- The Shy Scary Type – Habitat: They manage to populate very tight spaces such as elevators or private places like rest rooms. Their characteristic appearance is usually a bland plumage and a tendency to move away from other people. Facial expressions are wide-eyed and frightened. Their song is barely audible but usually sounds like “If you look at me I will kill you!â€
- Oblivious Parents – Habitat: Public places, especially restaurants or supermarkets. Their offspring will probably never learn to fly alone because there is nobody to teach them. They will allow unruly conduct by their children until some others of the species assumes the role of correcting them. Their call is usually an obscene remark to the person scolding their offspring but almost never to their child.
- The Devil’s Advocate – Habitat: Conference rooms, especially where important decisions need to be made. After all the data is on the table and the discussion has wound to a close, this bird will spread its plumage peacock-like to gain attention and then interject useless information. Their song is a distinctive, “We might get sued if we do that!â€
- Militant Vegetarians – Habitat: Feeding establishments, usually where the only dish containing vegetables is a salad. They are particularly intelligent in that they understand the value of their perspective but logically can’t understand others. Their song is usually a loud “I don’t know why I came here!†followed by “This place is not customer friendly!†or “This place sucks!â€
- Parroting Pretenders – Habitat: One of the most pervasive of all people with a global presence in real life and online. The current buzzword of the day is usually repeated over and over until their comfort level with the term becomes an unnatural familiarity. Their song varies by topic, but is usually something like “I once analyzed the Big Data from my grocery bill with coupons.â€
- Political Know-it-alls – Habitat: Usually either the extreme left or right side of any issue. Their particularly small brains make them incapable of intelligent conversation, so they pick a popular sound bite and preach it with the enthusiasm of dog in heat. Depending on their current Facebook friends’ wall, their song is probably something like “It’s all Sarah Palin’s fault!
- Whiner – Habitat: Most likely a family member at a holiday gathering or a meal. There is no particular distinction in appearance as they can usually blend into their surroundings and sit quietly until they are moved by some invisible force to begin their complaining. Their song goes something like this, “I’ve had such a hard life and nobody appreciates me.â€
- Green-eyed Monster – Habitat: May be found in the wild but the most prevalent of this species is usually in a company or online environment. Their distinctive appearance is probably their green eyes, but don’t look too closely or you could incur their wrath. There are many songs, but the most likely is “I could have her money if she had not stolen my ideas.â€
- The One Upper – Habitat: The blogosphere. These are people who always add one more thing to a top ten list just to be contrary. Don’t you just hate it?
The International Ornithological Congress says that there are currently at least 10,448 species of birds. Doing the calculation on human types based on the number of possible DNA combinations, the possibility of finding an identical human being is as high as 1 in 70,000,000,000,000. I guess I am making the point that people watching can provide a lifetime of enjoyment and it is virtually impossible to categorize them all.
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