One of the most difficult things to do is to give someone a sincere compliment without sounding a little bit cheesy. Even the everyday words we teach our kids to say reflexively are tinged with slight hypocrisy because they happen by brainwashing rather than actually thinking about it. “Tell your sister you’re sorry.†How about, “Say thank you to Grandma for the nice present.†This may be intended to create a polite society, but it is possible that it results in the acceptability of begging for forgiveness when none is required or constantly offering fake gratitude for unjustified actions. There is nothing wrong with defining politeness and contrasting it with rudeness, but there is some element of lack of faith in humanity that our knee-jerk reaction is to assume that without continually pressing for niceness that badness prevails.
The best compliment is one that comes from actual shared events rather than reciting a script. Recently as I was telling a job seeker that had recently shared her resume with me what she could expect, I received the ultimate positive feedback. I was letting her know that I would make no promises of a job, but that I would stay in touch and work with her in a way that would not interfere with her search to date. I made the commitment that I didn’t run a paper agency and would not send her resume anywhere that she did not approve. She commented, “Yes, I know that about you. I checked you out.†I was floored! No matter how hard anyone tries to build a good brand, it is rare to get feedback either positive or negative about how it is working. Feedback that is so critical in all decision making is dangerously lacking. The recruiter equivalent of a candidate black hole is to never know if anyone is listening.
How many times have you heard, “After all I did for him I didn’t even get a thank you!†indicating that thanks are not only given automatically there is also a feeling of entitlement on the other side. It really makes no sense that an insincere “thank you†would be something preferred over a totally unexpected sign of gratitude. The best thanks I ever received was a hand crafted Native American dream catcher from someone I hired. It took me totally by surprise. She did not have to thank me… she already had the job. I did not expect or need a “thank you†much less a gift, but the thought behind this really touched me. There was nothing to gain, there was no quid pro quo, and we quite possibly would never have any further professional or personal interaction. The accompanying hand-written note read something like this: “You were instrumental in making one of my dreams come true. I hope this dream catcher will make all of yours come true.†Well, it worked. The reason that we do what we do for a living is to make a change in people’s lives. Sincere gratitude from one of these people was a dream coming true.
You can’t really fake sincerity. Oh, you may get away with it for a while, but the repercussions of fakery will haunt you forever. Why not work at complimenting someone about something that is really important to them rather than superficial small talk? You can only do this if you truly know someone. Why not find unique ways to show thanks than with feeble words. Plan something unique and personal that proves your genuine gratitude that shows you have been touched by their life and want to move them in return.
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